Morning, on my way – 7:08 AM
You’re awake, right? – 7:10 AM
On June 4, 2016, I peeled my face from my pillow in time to read these texts. 15 minutes later I was dressed and riding with a friend up to Lyons, CO for the Burning Can festival and Beer Relay hosted by Osker Blues Brewery. It’s a celebration craft beer and the almighty can as a means of packaging the delicious golden nectar. This would be my first time attending, and I had already fucked up in several ways. Allow me to elaborate.
Wearing a wool jacket in June
Now, my friend and I had planned to dress up classy from the beginning, so it wasn’t like I woke up and said, “You know what, I think that Goodwill jacket I bought is getting lonely in the closet, let me toss that sonofabitch on today.” We did look good. Shit, we looked great, but sweet baby Jones was I overdressed. I should have seen this one coming and, hence, fucked up.
Yes, Colorado weather can be unpredictable, but in early June, it’s not uncommon to have temperatures range from the 70’s to the 90’s. On this day in particular, Mother Nature brought her A-game and graced us with 82 degrees and not a single goddamn cloud in the sky. Luckily, I quadrupled down and wore a black tuxedo t-shirt, dark grey leggings, black shorts and a black top hat so not only did I look like a pimp motherfucker, I was basically a human rotisserie chicken, especially after a single lap of the beer relay.
Be white as hell and skip the sunscreen
Now, I had a full jacket, top hat and leg coverings so I thought I was all set. My hat even had a full brim around it so even my neck should have been good to go, right? LOLz, no. I fucked up even harder after the first relay lap when I decided the coat was too hot and had was too uncomfortable. I was now not only running with no cover or sunscreen on, but it was pretty much prime sun exposure time aka 11am till 1pm. I was now less of a rotisserie chicken and more like a lobster boiled in his own sweat.
Yes, sunscreen seems obvious, but seeing as I totally fucked this one up, it seemed prudent to mention. Just assume you never have enough on. Never.
And the biggest, most baddest way to fuck up Burning Can…
Going out drinking the night before
Yes, another obvious one, yet, here we are. I fucked this one up royally. I went out with some friends and tried to drink ALL OF THE BEERS on 17th street. I called it carbo loading and I was certainly carbo loaded, minus the carbo part.
There’s really no other need of an explanation. Running hungover in 82 degree weather sucks balls, chugging my first beer during the relay was about as dangerous as handling nitro glycerine on a trampoline covered in baseballs, and it took me nearly an hour to drink my first beer at the festival. IT WAS LIKE FOUR OUNCES AND THE FESTIVAL IS ONLY THREE HOURS LONG. Needless to say, that was the most royal fuck up of the day.
So of all the ways to fuck up a beer festival, I was guilty of the top three. The TL;DR is this: Don’t dress like an idiot, wear sunscreen and don’t be hung over. Super top secret tips from your friend Sam at Beer n’ Loathing.