A long, long time ago Sam Sly and Pete M dropped a few shiny dimes on a Kickstarter for everyone’s favorite totally-not-a-metal-band Murder By Death (folk, alt-country/rock…why is this being explained this to you? Fucking Google them). The fundraiser was to finance a new album and some backers received tickets to go see Murder By Death in Louisville. Where, specifically? Well, that fact was shrouded in mystery until the day of the show. The backers had only to make their ways to Louisville, KY on June 6, 2015 and check their e-mails compulsively all day for word of an address or notable landmark. Matt Dog did not partake of the backing, but given his predilection for traveling to places and seeing bands he kinda’ likes in caves, caverns, and abandoned factories with high serial killer/asbestos poisoning potential, he was more than happy to make the trip. Besides, he had nothing else going on and you can only binge-watch Arrested Development alone in your apartment so many times before you start contemplating joining the army or becoming a monk.
Before we reveal the location of this mystical musical experience, let us, as Inigo Montoya once said, go back to the beginning.
June 6, 2015; approximately 4:05 a.m., Denver, CO.
Sam Sly arrives in his lively blue chariot to retrieve a very sleepy Matt Dog, who had consumed no less than four cups of coffee and was running on maybe three hours of rest. These two pillars of punctuality head off to Denver International Airport to catch a 6ish am/why-the-fuck-do-they-bother-doing-anything-this-early flight to Louisville, by way of Chicago. The first bit of excitement came as Sly and Matt Dog came upon a large dark object on the road….
- Sam Sly: Is that a cat?
- Matt Dog: Hmm. Looks more like a bag of garbage.
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Sly slows and the black mass was, in fact, a bag of garbage…AND THEN A FUCKING CAT JUMPED OUT OF IT AND BOOKED FOR THE SIDEWALK.
What does this have to do with the price of cab rides in Kentucky? Nothing, but calm down and bear with it.
The experience at the airport was pretty basic: disrobing before highly-trained TSA agents; putting yourself together in the Dignity Reclamation Zones; and waiting patiently for a flight in a steel tube filled with influenza and decades of recycled farts. Matt Dog read a book; Sam Sly conked out. Riveting stuff.
June 6, 2015; approximately 9or-so a.m., Chicago, IL.
After arriving at Chicago O’Hare Sam and Matt set off for their gate and a place to have a few beers…hey, don’t fucking judge them! They’re not getting any younger, especially Sam; and Matt’s basically just a carefully articulated assemblage of bones, fat, and panic, so a few pre-pre-noon beers is okay, okay? Okay.
Matt Dog, on top of his JV game as always, espied a Goose Island Brewery locale near their gate and took the lead in setting up camp. Four $9 beers between the two of them and they felt properly tuned up to hop a plane to Kentucky.
Or so they thought…
Matt Dog was in love. Not with a lady, or a man, or a trans* person of any stripe, or a cat, or a dog…but with this thing:
Okay, so these two won’t be picking out curtains any time soon, but Matt Dog was just so enamored of a robotic toilet that he had to take video of it…Instagram it no less, adding more fuel to the fire that is his denied Hipsterdom.
Once that slight detour was in the rear view mirror, Matt Dog and Sam Sly boarded the plane to Louisville.
Or so they thought…
After way too many minutes on the tarmac, making loops around runways and stopping randomly, the shockingly tiny plane (at least half the size of the SeaDuck from Tale Spin) limped back to the gate and the flight attendant, who, no kidding, had announced to the passengers moments before: “Welcome aboard United Flight blahblah direct to Sioux City…”, then announced that some essential part of the plane was malfunctioning or, who knows, non-existent, and the contents of said plane would all have to de-board. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh…
A few billion minutes later Sam and Matt Dog were back on the plane and on their merry fucking way to Louisville, KY. Once again, Sam snoozed for 45 minutes and Matt Dog buried his bulbous, clefty nose in a book while listening to Japandroids — as is his want. And off they went to meet up with Pete M and his TOTALLY AWESOME LADY FRIEND, BROTHER, AND BROTHER’S LADY FRIEND, possibly to die in a cave before or after seeing a show that might have just been an elaborate scheme by a serial killer to Kickstart a mass murder, and get so hammered-pants we’d need to buy new pants. Hizzah.
Shore your shit for BnL in Louisville Part Two: Captain Ron is a Fucking Liar.
