Imagine with me, it’s Friday. You’ve been at work for 10 hours and your boss was riding your ass for 9.75 of those hours. The only relief you had that day was the 15 minutes you got to spend crying in the bathroom stall. Quitting time finally arrives and you sprint out the door faster than Usain Bolt, get in your car and drive like Ricky Bobby to the closest bar you know for the beer you’ve been thinking about since 5 minutes after arriving to work. You find a parking spot and barely put your car into park, may or may not turn the ignition off and walk towards the doors feeling the weight of the world lift off your shoulders thinking about that cool, malty beer hitting your mouth and gloriously sliding down your throat.
You open the doors and your stomach sinks. The bar is packed, standing room only. You can already see the bartender running around in a frenzy trying to do their job while 45 assholes around the bar shout and try to flag him down. Now what?
We’ve all been here before and know the frustration of trying to get your order in without being a dick. Just thank your fucking stars because we have come up with this handy guide on how to make your presence known and casually flag down the barkeep with ease and, of course, that BnL style you’ve come to expect from us.
The Traditional Route
Ok, so we aren’t always about traditional methods, but classics are a classics for a reason.
The most popular method is to make direct eye contact with the bartender. This announces your presence and makes the telepathic connection every single bartender has that will let them know you want a drink. Now, it’s very important that you do not break that eye contact. Doing so means you need to start the process all over again and reestablish the telepathic connection.
If you are having a hard time getting their gaze to lock eyes and exchange telepathic information, clench your buttcheeks, clench your jaw and strain your eyes as hard as fucking possible to send out every psychic vibe you can muster. Do not, we repeat, do not shit your pants while performing this maneuver.
If you still can’t seem to catch their attention, there is only one option left. You need to immediately develop laser tractor beam eye rays. This trick nearly guarantees service, but has been known to generate significant heat over time, so stay aware.
The Creative Route
Sometimes you’re not in the mood to take the passive route to grab attention and prefer to be a little more aggressive. Or you’re just really short and can’t get up over the crowd to catch the bartender’s attention. That’s cool, we still got you covered.
Find a medium to tall friend and a long trench coat. If you really need us to spell this one out, you might not deserve that beer. Get on your friend’s shoulders, add the trench coat, and presto! You are now a normal height or moderately tall person that can get past the crowd and wave down some service.
Now, if you don’t have the luxury of a friend willing to hoist your ass around on their shoulders, a practical alternative exists. You just need some basic stilts and long pants. Not only will you rise above the crowd, you will look like a complete freak and probably can clear out the crowd as patrons flee screaming, thus allowing you to navigate freely.
Is your sense of balance dogshit? We hear you, kimosabe and still have your back. You’re going to love this one: Rocket shoes. You’ll clear out the crowd, get the bartender’s attention and possibly the fire marshall’s too. Added bonus, you’ll look cool as shit. Our only word of caution would be to watch the throttle because you don’t want to go launching through the ceiling. You might have to pay for that.
The Best Route
Let’s be honest, there’s a tiny chance all these methods might fail you, and you still want that beer more than anything. We get it. This final method is pretty intense and involves a lot of legwork. We only recommend it to the most dedicated bar patrons.
The only true way to guarantee quick service at a bar is to be famous or massively wealthy. So upon walking into the bar you either need to morph into a celebrity or already be one. Once you have achieved the shape of a celebrity, take a couple hundred dollar bills out of your pockets, light them on fire and start screaming about how you, “Literally have thousands of dollars burning a hole in my pocket and need a goddamn beer!” They will pretty much throw every liquid they have at you and BOOM. Beer achieved.
So, yeah. There you go. Beer problem solved. You’re welcome.