Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there with the face. What if I said you weren’t living your life to its fullest potential? What if I said you were missing out on some of the most joyous moments? You were merely a shell of a person simply wandering aimlessly around this strange reality unaware of bountiful fruits? What if I said you weren’t really enjoying your craft beer, and were actually squandering your taste buds? What if I told you the simple answer to ALL of these problems was to slug back a couple mass produced, adjunct infused, aluminum flavored and hipster attracting shitty beers? I predict you’d scoff and tell me to get a fucking clue. Well, sir, I’d feel so emboldened as to say you are the one who needs a clue. Just look at it as charity work.
What? Yep. Charity work. Good for the mind, body and soul. A way to clear your head, get some good Karma or just prove to your peers you’re not a self-centered piece of shit. Or it’s ordered by the court. There are many reasons by which people decide to donate their time to something. But tell me, even if a judge and sheriff are breathing down your neck while you’re donating said time, doesn’t it make you appreciate what you have that much more?
Beer drinkers are trying to enrich their lives just as much as anyone else trying to live their life to the fullest, and let’s all be honest here; beer is enriching your life by getting you drunk. If you’re still telling yourself that you absolutely don’t drink to catch a buzz, go on back to your middle school lunch room for the 8th grade dance and ask your girlfriend to join you for the next slow jam with your hands on hips and shoulders. Just as someone with boats, houses, islands and cars are enriching their lives with bad ass toys, we beer drinkers search for a similar buzz and satisfaction from our beers.
You can be the guy who enlightens himself with expensive trips and toys like beachfront second homes, Lamborghinis and Ducatis. You can have all of the finest things in life (connection: finest and most expensive craft beers) and be the envy of the world, but do you really appreciate what you have? Come back down to Earth for a moment and connect with something a little less pure, a little less glamorous and definitely much, much more inexpensive.
You’ll probably find the experience unpleasant. I’m not promising you’ll discover a new beer that’s 8 bucks for a 12 pack and suddenly find it to be the most glorious thing you’ve tasted. No. The experience will most likely be better compared to torture. You’ll cringe, gag and shiver in disgust as your throw back your ice cold (or luke warm if you have brass fucking balls) retro/shit/macro lager. But this is a transformative journey, and if you do it right, you’ll likely have an epiphany when you reach the end. This is called a hangover, and the hangovers these beers impart upon you will be different than the ones you might get from your Porsche-911-private-island-fake-tittied-women beers.
You’re on your way to a greater experience if you’ve even made it this far in the blog. That is a start to an open mind, and I believe those with open minds are receptive to all sorts of wonderful things in life and will get all the joy they need out of their experiences. Do some beer drinking charity work and give your soul a boost. Grab a PBR, Schlitz, Blatz, Stroh’s or Hamm’s and get down and dirty. Who knows, maybe the next time you crack open your favorite craft beer, you’ll enjoy it almost as much, if not more, than the first time you slugged it back.